Everybody Poops

If you view me as a “girl”, the kind of girl that doesn’t have basic bodily functions… Stop! Look away! Alt + Back Arrow! ALT + BACK ARROW!!!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Cause what I have to say isn’t dainty or pretty. Or any other adorable feminine adjective.

I feel weird about splicing this in with my travel writings, but today is today and I feel like writing about now.

The online world has made our medical records immediately accessible. Getting blood work on Friday filled my inbox with results on Saturday and left me wondering ‘what the heck do these mean’ until today, when I heard from my doctor. Reading my own charts … I could tell a few things. Simple math showed me that the test on my liver fell within the standard range. Same for the gallbladder. It was the third test that was most important in this ‘threat of an ulcer’ business. The third test for the H. Pylori bacteria (common cause of Peptic Ulcers) result said … Inconclusive.

I understand the human language pretty well. I can confidently say I have a decent knack for words - can offer spellings, definitions and synonyms to people in need. But… what the hell does Inconclusive mean?

I learned today what Inconclusive meant. Inconclusive means more tests. The subtext on the test results said another specimen was needed. "Bummer," I thought to myself, "I have to go back into the clinic to give more blood”. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My doctor told me the bacteria reading in my blood was right on the border and that the specimen they needed was of the fecal variety.

I can’t poop in a jar! I can’t do it. This is when I become completely immature about my ailments. I don’t even know how to poop in jar. Seriously, how does one poop in a jar? They probably don’t need the whole shooting match, right? Just a sample? A sample seems worse! Does that mean I’m going to have to cut up a piece of my own poop? Like a sausage? Oh god, I don’t do sausage!

The lunch table got a little poop talk. I gave warning and it was addressed pre-consumption. Appropriate microwave talk, no? Hypothetical talk of the most comfortable way to contain your own poop came up. I realized there is only one way that would distract me from my own reality. That way is to take a mental camping vacation - go out into nature, dig a hole, place the container in the hole, etcetera. I can do that. I’ve done that. Hmmm … the square of grass behind my building isn’t really a viable option with apartment complexes towering on both sides of my squat. The house I am sitting for on the other hand…

The thing is - this isn’t going to be a hypothetical situation for very long.

Talking over my poop complex over a sociable G-Chat, a friend put things into perspective for me. “Aren’t you glad they are letting you surrender your own poop? I mean, at least they aren’t coming into claim it themselves.” That was actually a pretty comforting thought. Well, as comforting as poop talk can get.

Ha, I was so excited to write about my poop.

Don’t worry. This is something I will figure out on my own and won’t report back with details (unless there is comic value, anything for that).