my year in pictures

Two Thousand Thirteen

With the New Year and all it's resolutions approaching, it's easy to write off the passing year with "Just an average year" or "Not much happened" or "Typical". I'll admit it, I tend to say that every year. Perhaps it's a way of minimizing the bad and avoiding the braggadocio that seemingly goes with the good. Which got me thinking, what exactly was my 'Typical' for 2013?

Typical - I went places. I always go places even when I don't feel like I'm going places. I hear myself saying lately that I need a 'trip' and that I haven't gone on a trip in AGES (eyes widening). 2013 brought me here:

In March I went to Chicago to see Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me performed live at Chase Auditorium (way too much laughter for such a depressing basement venue). In April, I kayaked the bio-luminescent bays of Puerto Rico (think millions of fireflys in the water). May had me backpacking the north woods near Ely, MN. I spent 17 days in Seattle in July with a dog, a baby, a friend and a sister for company. August was Door County, WI with the closeness of family. I visited San Francisco in September to meet my boyfriend's family for the first time and catch up with an old friend. Round the year out with a few trips to Milwaukee (bonus of a severe cold on Thanksgiving and the stomach flu on Christmas Day, yay Milwaukee!) and I definitely need to go on a trip cause I haven't gone anywhere in ages.

Typical - I spent less time with my friends than I want to. Enough said.

Typical - Work was filled with highs and lows. Lots of challenges the last few years and this year was the time to get above them, no matter the emotion toil. Which involved a massive job search and the acceptance of my old position at SPCO with people that support me and something that I believe in.

Even the 'typical' year must assume the a-typical happened.

Family was a particular challenge for me in 2013. At some point I realized that the me I have become is not the me I'm often held to. And maybe that same sentiment can be applied to how I regard my family and each of it's members. My relationships imploded and I'm still putting the pieces back together, maybe in a different way and maybe thinking differently about each piece.

My change for the good of humanity - With the conscious effort of keeping an Envirosax in my purse at all times, it is rare that I accept the plastic or paper shopping bag and am happy for this little effort towards big change. It's not something I preach about or even, necessarily, adamantly did. I just noticed at some point in the year how much of a habit it had become and how much I liked it. I have also made a concerted effort to take public transit or ride share to work. I am now a "bus-rider" and still awaiting my reward for that one. I hope it's a puppy.

2013 I had a health scare too. Finding a lump in my breast put me straight through to Abbot Northwestern's Piper Breast Center for testing. Fortunately for me, the scare was short lived and quickly resolved with the aspiration of a massive cyst. This is not something I told many people, but I do so now to reiterate the importance of paying attention to your body and even at 29 we should all be performing monthly breast exams. I am relieved it was nothing, but keenly more aware of the possibility of future somethings. Please, feel those boobies... or if you are in a relationship with a pair of boobies, feel those boobies (tip: avoid all other non-permissible boobies).

The Good -
I started my first vegetable garden! And didn't kill any of my indoor plants (albeit some look stricken with winter sadness). This was a new and fun experiment for me, and many a dish reaped benefit. I had a lot of luck with bush beans and tomatoes, not as much luck with the peppers. I still have my giant oregano plant brought indoors .... if anyone wants some fresh oregano, hit me up...please! Next year.... bigger!

The Bad -
I'm not sure where music went this year. I started off the year as a member of the cool kids club at First Avenue. I certainly cashed in on the value of the membership card, but didn't make it to as many shows as typical. I bought virtually zero albums. I am out of the loop for sure but I have a feeling this acknowledgement will spur an overindulgence. Just give me a month to catch up with the scene. Cool kids 2014, here I come!

Also, bad. I didn't write in 2013. Maybe I was busy. Maybe I was uninspired. Maybe I just needed a break. It's funny that as new hobbies come, old hobbies go. As if there's not enough room in the world for everything. Interests ebb and flow like the rest of life.

And the sappy one I will save for last, something that I will bashfully admit since I couldn't possibly omit: 2013 was a year of love. With all the smooches and squabbling that comes with it. 2013 I felt in someone else the value I feel in myself. I am my best self when I am with him or near him or missing him and I am excited to start 2014 with Rob by my side.

For all these things and more, I am grateful to year two thousand thirteen.

Read unread

Eleven thousand page views in 5 years. And I'm still just talking to myself...

light scoopin' yo

I'm playing with my first Christmas gift tonight. I suppose it wasn't my first gift, instead my first play. But, I guess we opened that board game for a round on Christmas day. So.... ignore that first sentence cause everything about it was false.

I have seen this little do-hicky pop up on photo blogs before, as a result the $20 item has been sitting in my amazon cart for over a year. Thank goodness Christmas came around. List item received. Thanks Bri!

One of the biggest complaints by novices (self included) on any stock camera is the flash. I refuse the flash as much as possible. I accept a little fuzzy and a little yellow over terribly white and horribly washed out. I know, I know, the real solution is to buy an external flash with buttons and dials and swiveling heads (but that's money and added weight to carry around). Professor Kobre's Lightscoop is essentially a small mirrored surface that slides into your DSLR's accessory slot, your pop up flash shoots at the mirror and the slanted mirror redirected the light to bounce off the ceiling. The result is a room filled with light, rather than a face blasted by one. I like simple solutions and this sounded like one. It got my attention.

                               
And here are the unedited results. I left my camera on the same generic setting and this is what I got:

No Flash                                                   Flash w/ Lightscoop                                         Flash, naked

I took these photos from about 8' away. Eight feet and the naked flash still washes away most of the color. My yellow painted walls look snow white. The Lightscoop image may seem a little dull in comparison, but with lines that are crisper than flash-less and more color retention than the naked flash, I think it's a good starting place for edits. Unknowingly I threw in another test and shot towards a glass window pane. The Lightscoop produced minimal flare compared to the naked flash. Nice.

I'm excited to slip this gizmo into my camera case and even more excited to find a face to shoot.

Will report back with people.

Fighting Words

I bite my tongue and let it bleed,
cause all I have are fighting words.
I taste the taste and feel the burn,
since it's no worse
than what I ache to say to you.
I choke it back and hold it there,
Hoping it will stop me
From hurting you
And hurting me
And making us go nowhere

These Fleeting Moments

Last night I volunteered to stage manager for a show the musicians of the SPCO put on. Last night there were hugs and 'how are you's. There were genuine smiles even among genuine grief. But you never would have guessed it by their playing. I caught them smiling at one another during the opening Rossini. Being with them felt like home, feels like family.

I have forgotten what it's like to be apart of something I believe in. I can't remember how it feels to take pride in something that I do and how I go about doing it. Last night I remembered how much I like liking what I do. That feeling seems so far away from me today. 

Just another day. One just like any other. One like before. And one like after. But I entered work today, saddened by my happiness of yesterday. I was counting down the minutes before they even began.

4:30 rolls around. Dinner. I usually would grab a bite and head back to work to eat. Today I needed to stay away. A break. Away. I took a chance on the Chipotle in the skyway being open and I'm so glad that I did.

The usual exchange in conversation with the young kid behind the counter, who was covered in tattoos and obviously bored enough to want to bullshit with me for a few minutes. By the time I got to the cashier, they were both wondering about my day. Unlike me, I told them I was fine but not eager to get back to work... "a mess of a day" I told them. Almost in unison the guys nod their head in sympathy and say how they can understand that. Such sincerity. I was surprised I confessed my frustration, but even more surprised at how genuinely heartfelt their reactions were. One offered, "Maybe the tacos will help".

I sat in the back of the empty Chipotle to eat my hard shell tacos, just to stay away a little bit longer.

I cleared my plate in like 4 minutes flat and soon after the guy with the tattoos wanders back to me. He asks me if I'm feeling better as he takes away the red plastic basket. "A little," I say and add with a smirk that I'm still kinda hungry. He brightens and says, "What else can I get you?". I shake my head and laugh a bit. I should have realized my smile and insistence on nothing was not going to convince this guy. He smiled back and starts guessing which salsa I want with the chips that he's bringing over. "On me", he insists. He decides that I'm a guacamole girl. He saw right through me.

He comes around the corner again and I'm shaking my head at this point. So unnecessary. He tells me, "If not for now, then for later." He sets the bag in front of me, turns his back and walks away.

"What's your name?" I call out after him. 

Beau, a great name. Beau and I shake hands as I tell him how nice that was. Beau chalks it up to nothing and is glad it got a smile out of me. He looks me in the eyes and tells me he knows what it's like to have a hard day. "My baby sister passed away on Friday" We hold each other's gaze and I tell him how sorry I am to hear it. He breaks away from me for an emotional second and returns, recouped with "that's the way life goes sometimes". According to Beau, we're both having the same hard day. What Beau didn't realize though, was that he just spent his hard day getting a smile out of a stranger, and all I did with my hard day was appreciate his gesture.

He returned to work and I opened my guacamole. My eyes welled up a bit. There was something incredible beautiful and incredibly sad in the exchange I just had with this person. Where, just as it shed so much light on the good in people, it also reminded me of the pain we all carry with us. So there I was, sitting in an empty Chipotle, eating my guacamole trying not to outright cry, like ugly face, all out cry. I sat there, chip in hand, incredibly touched and not exactly sure why I was having such an emotional reaction. Maybe it was because I was touched by his honesty. Or surprised by his sincerity. Or even impressed by his generosity. Maybe I was just sad from his story. Or sad from my own. Still, in this fleeting moment, it seemed like I saw all of humanity. The good and bad. The love and lose. The happiness and sadness. And all from a perfect stranger.

Afterlife

"...afterlife... like you're going up there and will see all your family and friends? Is everyone in heaven? like Napoleon and Hitler...?"

"You think Hitler made it to heaven?"

"I don't know, I don't really like the idea of heaven and hell, I'd rather think that Hitler went up there and God gave him some therapy or something"

I love my mother.

Hold On

Something new,
and the old sets in.
Maybe it's because,
the start is always so familiar.
The same excitement.
The same hope.
Or maybe it's because,
the end is so familiar too.
The same pain.
The same loss.
So here I am,
holding onto hope,
and wishing it was easy.

Project Table

I think, maybe, that I can do anything.

My Boyfriend Rain

I love the rain,
And he likes me
Lulls me to bed so patiently
He fills my senses
With sweet scents and
Calming sounds so pleasingly
He tells me how to wash away
A day, today or everyday
Let go, he says
Then shows me how
To let it roll
Roll and roll and roll away
He waits for me
To give up for him
To close my eyes
And give into him
With breath like that I can't resist
Not as his soothing sounds persists
To sleep, he says and I obey
Its time to roll away this day