Wednesday, September 6, 2017

A rant for the sexes

I woke up this morning as a woman. I showered, and dressed this morning, as a woman. I started my day as a woman and went on my way as a woman. But as soon as I left my home and entered the world, at 7:45 this morning at work, you reminded that I am, indeed, a woman.

You were my first interaction this morning outside of my loving home. You were the first person (aside from my husband) I spoke to after entering the social world. I entered the room and we caught each other's eyes. Just briefly, for a moment. You stood and hurried over to me filled with energy. I thought you had good news to share with me. I wondered what you might say.

You told me that you've been feeling our interactions have been 'off lately'.
Perhaps, you explain, because my 'smile feels inauthentic' to you.
That my lips only make it halfway, or a 'side smile' as you say.
You go on to tell me that it feels like I am not being genuine.
And how important it is for you to share this with me.
Because it makes you 'feel better to say it out loud'.
You also think that it's important that I hear it from you.
So that I know I am 'being perceived this way'.
And that it's important that I understand what I am 'putting out in the world'.
As if hearing this will help me with future interactions.
You believe in communication and wanted to 'get it out in the open'.
To put whatever weird, off feeling you have to bed.

I am silent.
I am stunned.
And I am mad at myself right now that in that moment, in my shock and my surprise at your words, I worried that I offended you. And all I could muster out loud in that second was 'I'm sorry if our interactions have made you feel that way. I have no animosity or negative feelings towards you." That tastes like vomit to me now. That my first reaction, as a woman, was to apologize and reassure you, as a man. Do you see what's wrong with that? Why am I the one apologizing?

And all I can think right now, not then, is look at your words. Underneath your words. What are you asking of me? Are you requesting that I embrace you with a big toothy grin to make you feel better about us in that moment? Or is it, to make you feel better about you in that moment?

My lips are not here for you.
Do not assume they are.
My smile is not owed to you.
Do not assume it is.
My smile is my choice to give.
Do not demand it of me.
And if I give it.
Do not tell me it doesn't satisfy or question it's validity.

And it's great that you feel better. I feel worse. Do you think you are helping me? That I need helping? You question my authenticity? My genuine nature? You leave me questioning myself and try to fill me with hesitation, embarassment, self doubt and insecurity with how I interact with the world?


No, sorry Sir. This one is on you. I've done no wrong here. I will keep being me just like I've always done.







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