I caught the Swears

All day at work, a co-worker and I kept telling each other to "Stop fucking swearing!" Our profranity has flown off the wall - out of control. We fuel each other's verbal fire. Swearing is contagious and I caught the bug. I've been spending my days in the company of foul mouth men. So it was inevitable, I've become a bit of a cussin' sailor myself. For some reason, especially in my writing, profanity just feels sooooo good.

After an afternoon at work swapping back and forth "Try Saying..." jokes (started by an E-mail  Forward chain and exagerated by our own imaginations....)

Example:

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f__king bit__.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Laughing all day at that and this is what I came home to - an e-mail from my mother in response to my post yesterday "Why?Oh NO!". Read below for a mother approved version of my previous post. Editing credit to Mommy Dearest:


*********************************************************************************

To: Mary
Sent: Tuesday, Sep 15, 2009 at 6:14 PM
Subject: RE: [Marymeant] Why? Oh, NO!

Oh boy…be careful at the concert and watch your language….see below for a completely edited revision.

Love

MOM

-----Original Message-----

Sent: Monday, September 14, 2009 at 7:32 PM

Subject: [Marymeant] Why? Oh, NO!

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Bored with Internet Explorer, 400 Blows, The Weakerthans, and A Dud Avocado, the only other reasonable thing to do was sleep. I crawled into bed around 10:30 thinking of my much needed rest before the 14 work day ahead of me. Lying there, with one knee pulled up to my chin, waiting for sleep… I had the most horrible realization.

I really do spend a lot of time thinking about music – What I might find next. When can I buy tickets. Those lyrics to that one song. Album release dates. Shows I’ve seen. Shows I can’t wait to see.

Last night, the normal musical excitement was twirling around my brain. I was sooo stoked that one of my favorite bands, Why?, was coming to town again. I bought my single ticket ages ago. I already told work they are going to have to hire a union stage hand to replace me for the night. Life stops for Why?. Period.

Amid all this excitement there is back-story. Remember the excitement though. Never forget the excitement!

(if I had video capabilities I would insert a Wayne’s World Flash Back transition … here)

Early in the year I was set out to meet new people. I joined all these clubs (only to realize I don’t need any more middle aged friends) and succumbed to an online dating site. The listed favorites on people’s profiles were often conversation starters.

For one guy in particular, the contact initiator was the fact that both of us were Why? fans. The guy was nice enough, but a pussy CAT who wouldn’t ask me out and I was too on the fence about him to be the aggressor. E-mails went back and forth and then started to slow with time… and umm... interest... After about a month, I would randomly get e-mails telling me I was the coolest person he knows (we hadn’t met, dude, you have no idea how cool I am!). He repeatedly sent strong language my way that may be flattering if deserved, but this was completely undeserved and, quite honestly, constructed fantasy.

Needless to say … I got totally weirded out. Really fucking amazingly weirded out! The less we talked the more persistent he became. Even after my attempts to sever the conversation, he continued stalking me multiple times a day and sending me e-mails telling me he missed me (I’m not sure how you miss someone you’ve never met?). I ended up blocking his account. This protection method is troublesome. They can stop him from contacting me, but they can’t stop him from visiting my profile and jerking off to my face every night ? doing perverse things to himself. That was graphic and insensitive (YES!!), I apologize, my mom would not approve … she would edit my text. But that's what it felt like ... invasive.

That was months ago and long been forgotten. Fast forward to last night.

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night:

“Yay, I’m going to see Why?”

“It will be so awesome”

“Too bad it’s all ages”

“I am going to dance and dance”

“Maybe there will be eye candy there”

“FUCK!!!!” OMG!!!!!!!!!


 

My long been forgotten was just remembered!

He knew I went to the last show. I know he’s as big of a fan as I am. I hope he doesn't hope to see me there. The Triple Rock is hardly a place for hiding. There’s nowhere to run from a guy that thinks you are the coolest in the world. OH NO!! After all these goings on, I peg him to be the type that would come over if he saw me … especially if I’m there alone! If I’m there alone, he probably won’t ever leave! He’ll think he’s doing me a favor by giving me his company.

SHIT! I can’t watch this show in the ladies room! I CAN’T!

If memory serves me correctly his profile specs put him at a height less than my own. What if he can’t see and wants to sit on my shoulders! This is bad news. Nothing good can come of this!

I’m so bummed! My over the top excitement just climbed piggy-back onto outright terror!

The potential for catastrophe is too great … I gotta find myself a date to this show! RIGHT….DO IT!!!!!!!

--

Posted By Mary to Marymeant at 9/14/2009 05:18:00 PM AND EDITED BY MOM 9/15 AT 6:10 pm.